(This blog is often about my interests, such as technology. This post probably makes it obvious that it is still my personal blog as well)
Gwendolyn Fae was one of the best people you would ever meet in your life. She spent her entire life providing love and hope to others, and all she ever knew was love by all who came in contact with her. I really wish you could have met her in person. That wasn't possible though, since she died on Sunday, the 3rd of February in 2008, 6 weeks before she should have been born.
Morpheus in The Matrix said "Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?" That's been my life this past week. This can't be reality. There's no possible combinations of events and universes where I can be expected to do these tasks. You can't go from anticipating yet another addition to the happy family, to knowing that person will not be alive, in a single moment. I can't be balancing trying to help others cope, planning events, and mourning all at the same time. How do I wake up? How do I know when it is over?
Without any insight, I always thought I understood when people stated that "children should bury their parents, not the other way around." I had no grasp of the true gravity of it though. It is absolutely unconscionable to require this of a parent, but it goes well beyond that. No parent should have to go through losing a piece of themselves, which every child is in some way. No parent should have to find a way to tell brothers and sisters who have been longing to meet their new sibling that they will not be able to play with them as they had been hoping. Finding a way to say that, and continuing to help them understand it all might be the most difficult aspect of the entire ordeal.
When all of this happens so unexpectedly and and in a mostly unexplainable way, it makes it that much more difficult to process. So much potential and future events that will never get to be, and we have no clear answer why. This is where faith can either be tested or fully realized.
If any good can come of all of this sorrow, it is an increased realization of the power of people all around you. Family and friends can in an instant demonstrate how much they care, and how involved they really are in your life. I always realized the value of both of these, but not to the fully level that it exists. Hopefully everyone who has been affected or involved can also take away some increased realization of how fleeting things can be, and how valuable time with friends and family should be. This sounds a bit trite, but it bears truly thinking about and believing.
I'm sure there is more I should explain, but at this point my mind has been in this dream state for so long, I find any additional thoughts to be fleeting. If you have come across this and have had a similar experience, let me know. I hope that this can help you in understanding the thoughts drifting in your mind as well.
Good luck on your journey without me Gwendolyn, I hope to understand it all someday.
6 years ago
2 comments:
Many years ago when I was about 9, my mother went through a similar event. She was not as far along, so my brother and I didn't have as much time to get excited, and I was still too young to really understand what had happened. What I do remember are the emotions, the confusion, the sadness, the emptiness. I didn't understand the why, but even at that age I knew that no one should have to deal with that pain. There are no words that will completely comfort, just know that you are loved by those around you and let this become a part of who you are.
This was very touching. I know your kids can't understand it all right now, but keep this around for 5, 10, 15 more years and let them read it. They will understand and they will thank you.
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